Pronouns Gone Wild!

Not too long ago, I wrote a post about gender neutral writing. Here I am, writing about it again. Here's why...

Those Crazy College Kids!

By crazy college kids, I mean overzealous college educators and administrators. I was listening to talk radio this morning. To be honest with you, I was only half listening at first because I was also reading a book. I don't remember the college, and for the point I'm about to make the college name doesn't matter. Anyway, some of the people there have decided that everyone should stop using common gender pronouns (he, his, her, she). Instead, people should use ze and zir to become gender inclusive.

That argument was so stupid that it made me put my book down and squint at the radio. Really? That doesn't solve anything. That doesn't make anything more inclusive. If this were adopted, you would just be substituting the male and female pronouns with other "pronouns" that perform the exact same thing: refer to the gender of a person. So, tell me. How in the hell does that solve the gender pronoun issue? It doesn't. It just recolors the problem and momentarily distracts you while making you feel like you've done something good. It would be like me telling you that my dog isn't a dog. It's a chien. By the way, that's French for dog. Ze and zir would simply be used to replace the current gendered pronouns. So, you'd still have gendered pronouns...they'd just look and sound different and give you something to bitch about later.

Pronouns Aren't Bad - They're Just Written That Way

Pronouns are a lot like Jessica Rabbit. They're not bad. People think they're bad because of how they're used. When I took my first legal research and writing class back around ten years ago, the textbooks had recently changed to discourage gendered writing because it is archaic. Wow - imagine that. The world's most conservative professional field (law) began to look at how pronouns were used as potentially archaic.

If you don't blame a spoon for making someone overweight, then you can't blame the pronoun. It is a tool of people. People are the ones ultimately responsible for their bodies and their words. So, let's look at how you should properly institute gender neutral writing (and yes, I know that there will be some grammar purists that will want to find me and shake the pencil lead out of my ears).

You should only use he, she, his, her, and other versions of our favorite gendered pronouns if you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are, in fact, dealing with the specific appropriate gender. If you don't know the gender, then you do not use those pronouns. It's just as easy to use they, them, their, etc., as it is to make assumptions. It's also less offensive.

If you know someone who is biologically born a man and they openly identify as a woman, then you may refer to them in writing with female pronouns. If you know someone who is biologically born a woman and they openly identify as a man, then you may refer to them in writing with male pronouns. If someone identifies as gender fluid, cis gender, or even androgynous, it is up to you, the writer, to ask how they would prefer to be addressed. When in doubt, just ask.

As a professional, if you see the use of Mr., Ms., or Mrs., in a file, then it is safe to use the appropriate gendered pronoun. If you have no indication of gender, then you either need to ask or use something gender neutral (they, them, their, etc.).

We Don't Need New Words - We Need Better and More Responsible Writers

It's true. We really don't need new words (especially when they confirm about English what the world already knows: that our difficult to learn language beats the shit out of other languages and then steals their words while they're bleeding on the curb). Let's face it, we aren't doing such a great job making up our own. Awesome sauce is now a word in the dictionary. Just let that sink in for a minute.

What we need in this world are writers that truly care about the craft of writing. We need writers that understand the proper way to choose and use words for their written pieces. We need writers that take the time to learn something before they vomit pointless opinions onto the Internet and into print media for all to read. I'm a professional writer and editor. That's why I can say that. Far too often, I see writers of all experience levels making mistakes with word choice that just shouldn't happen. Native English speaking writers are the worst about not bothering to take the time to find out how what they will say will affect others. That's really sad because that's the key that will make or break your career.

So, if you're a writer, whether professional or casual, you must learn how to properly categorize the person or people that you are writing about in your work. You must take the time to keep up not just with trends, but with appropriate measures that are professional and timely that will enhance your work and make your publications more valuable. You don't....we don't...need more words (from other languages that do the exact same thing, but sound trendy). We need to use the words that we have in a more responsible manner.

An Open Letter to Stalkers and Narcissists Around the World

I can only write this based upon my own experiences. I hope that at least one stalker reads this and realizes that their behavior is ridiculous and changes.

Stalking is lame. It makes you lame. It makes you a loser. When someone decides that they don't want to be with you or when you decide that you don't want to be with someone, then you need to let go and leave them alone. What they say and do isn't your business. You're not their parent. You're not a god. You're just some loser that needs mental help. The actions you take before, during, and after a protective order by continuing to break into social media accounts, look people up online, post negative untruths, etc., says a lot more about you than it does about me or anyone else that's been stalked.

It's always struck me as just downright absurd that a stalker can leave someone for the purpose of being with someone else, but if their victim tries to move on then all hell breaks loose. Keep in mind - when you walk away from a relationship for any reason, you lose the right to have an opinion about anyone that the other person has in their life. It's also really funny, and illogical, when the fit is thrown because the other person moved on despite the fact that you are most likely already involved with someone else. That is a sign that you need mental help. You're most likely a narcissist since you think that you should be forever worshiped by someone that you didn't want in your life.

When the new person smartens up and is no longer your flying monkey, they leave. Most often, they do contact the victim and apologize. They've gone from love bombed to gas lighted...and all it took was a little piece of paper that said marriage. Once it ends, it's delicious for the rest of us because we've moved on and we are in normal, healthy, loving relationships.

Again, you are advised to take stock of your own shortcomings. Get help - the problem wasn't and isn't with your victim. The problem is and was with you. You look for people who want to fix you or want to please you...but nothing they do will ever be enough. When they start slipping away, you freak out. When they leave, you harass and stalk. You've clearly not taken any notes from people in successful and healthy relationships. That's not how you win someone over.

Really, stalkers and narcissists...is there a true point to following people around on social media or breaking into their accounts? What are you seriously hoping to find? You aren't the sun. You aren't the source of all happiness. Is it the fact that you hope you'll see something that shows they're suffering in some way? Would that make you feel better? Because most of us aren't suffering. We move on. We may always look over our shoulder and improve on ways to protect our privacy, but we're still happier than we've ever been. Are you looking to see if your victim is talking about you? Even if they are, it's not your business. If you wanted people to talk nicely about you, then you should have behaved better. Although narcissism is a personality disorder, you wake up with the same decision the rest of us do: whether or not you should be a dick to people. Unfortunately for you and others, you choose to be a dick. That's no one's fault but your own.

When people talk about you, o stalker and narcissist, it isn't because they miss you or want you back. It's not because you're so amazing. Frankly, it's not even because victims are looking for a way to badmouth you (oh, and telling the truth isn't badmouthing - it's just telling the truth; I know that's a concept you don't understand). They talk to continue their healing process.

My advice to stalkers and narcissists? Get mental help. You need it. You have no hope of a normal life without it. Leave the victims alone. Move on with your life. There are plenty of people with flying monkey personalities out there for you to try to run your game on...and sadly, you'll be successful. Speaking of success, why not take the energy that you expend on your nefarious activities and redirect it to something positive like actually working while you're at work or picking up a good book to read? If you want the world to revolve around you, then you need to give the world a reason to do it by being the best in your field instead of just being a douche bag.

Your opinion of Trump wouldn't be so positive if....

...he said those things to your daughter, wife, sister, or mother...and then continued his tirade about her on a show that hadn't even brought up the subject.

I don't like Megyn Kelly from Fox News. At all. I've seen better reporting and commentary come from a dead mosquito. However, Trump's commentary about women in the past and his continuing verbal diarrhea about Megyn Kelly is incredibly alarming. Do you really want a narcissistic misogynist in the White House?

I really hope not. I hope those who support Trump open their eyes. America is, at its core, a business. Do you really want someone running this country that has filed business bankruptcy multiple times? And that makes snide comments about a woman having their time of the month (to put it in a more classy manner than Trump put it when he was talking about Megyn Kelly).

Let's do away with the mansplaining, shall we?

Mansplaining...it's a term one of my closest friends uses when a man says something really, really ignorant. Most importantly, it's a term we use when a man tries to justify something. So, in some instances mansplaining can also be victim shaming. Oh, and I've seen women do this as well. It just so happens that it is more common with men. So, why am I posting about this? Well, because of a conversation that started on my personal Facebook page.

I posted this image:

First, let's start with some basics about the general differences between men and women. These are general and are not meant to define every man and every woman (so, don't comment with a mansplain). In general, adult men are bigger than adult women. In general, adult men have more muscles or body strength than adult women. That's not to say that women are weak. Again, we are talking about the physical size of people...in general terms. I weigh 135. My husband weighs about 217. Yes, there are women who are bigger. Yes, there are men who are smaller. So, again, think in general terms. So, even if an average man were attacked by a woman in some way, it would most likely -not- take his full strength to defend himself. It is not okay for women to attack men, either.

Should a man defend himself if a woman hits him? A man does have that right. However, it should be just enough to do that: defend. If a woman slaps a man, it's not going to take a man using deadly force to stop her. Again, I am not saying it is okay for a woman to hit a man because it is not. 

So, when you mansplain and say, "What about self defense?" you should really be asking yourself, "Am I oxygen deprived?" because you clearly aren't thinking in a clear, concise, and logical manner. What you really mean is that you know you can defend yourself, but you want to start a fight...and guess what? That gives some people a loop hole to behave badly. You feel threatened by some things that might not make another person feel threatened and vice versa. Just think about George Zimmerman's ridiculous self defense notion.

This is almost victim shaming. You're one step away from, "Well if she wouldn't have said or done X then...." Do you know how many stupid people I'd love to slap on a regular basis? I don't because it is battery even if I don't like how stupid they are and am just trying to slap some sense into them. 

Another common mansplain: not all men hit women. Sometimes women hit men. 

Oh, guess what? It's not always cloudy when it rains. Sometimes the sun shines and it rains. These are things we know. Here's the problem with your attempt at mansplaining:

You couldn't win a logical argument to save your own life because you can't stay on topic. We know that some women hit men. Here's something else we know. Most men do not report when they are victims of domestic violence. If more men did, then you'd see a better campaign. Domestic violence happens regardless of gender. It happens in straight couples and with gay couples. Sometimes women are the perpetrators, but it is most often reported to be a man. So, if you don't like that then I suggest you start a campaign to help battered men instead of mansplaining a picture. As far as your "not all men," yeah, we know. However, when you say that - you're in defensive mode. Here's a grand thought: how about you just show your support by liking or sharing the photo instead of countering? Nice guys don't need to proclaim how nice they are. Their actions show it. 

Oh, and here's another interesting fact about domestic violence. It's not always physical. Mental and emotional abuse is also domestic violence. That includes manipulation, mind games, control, stalking, and the likes. Don't think for one second that just because he hasn't hit you means that he's not abusing you. Statistics show that you are most in danger when you first leave and that people who perpetuate mental assault like I mentioned are very likely to lose control and hurt you if and when you leave (and you do need to leave). Don't believe me? Call your local DV advocate or hotline and ask about the statistics. When I found out that people who stalk and harass their ex after an intimate relationship are more likely to be killed because the stalker has lost that control, it was terrifying. I didn't leave my house for a really long time other than to go to work. I had armed security at work.

To this day, the ex would tell you he did nothing wrong to me. That he never pulled my hair and dragged me around the house. That he never slammed me into our washing machine, made me call someone I had asked to help me to tell them I was lying, and then broke my phone (a phone he didn't know anything about because he didn't even live with me at that time - had already left me about six months earlier for someone else). That he broke in to my home and ruined my laptop and stole my clothes. Why? Because he's "such a nice guy." He kept my children from me for a year. He also harassed me and stalked me online and off. I have a PO against him. They took away his concealed license. So, when you "mansplain" just know that you're victim blaming people like me. People who might have thought they were the problem but once out for a year realized they weren't...and that have healthy relationships with other people. I still have two of my old cell phones with crazy messages from him. I have all of the old emails. Why? It's not because I like to go strolling down nightmare lane. It's to show people who mansplain why they're wrong and why they should stop.

Please don't mansplain. You hurt victims and survivors of DV all around the world. You enable the perpetrators, regardless of gender, to continue what they are doing.

Monday Motivational: You Can Be Different

On Mondays when a lot of corporate employees wake up, they wish that they wouldn't have to go in. Maybe they dream of another job. Maybe they dream of working from home. Maybe they just dream of being on the beach with a drink in hand.

It doesn't really matter what the dream is that they have. They all have the same theme. They want something different. If you want something different, can you continue to do the exact same thing over and over again? No. If you want something different then you must do things differently.

Being different and doing things in a different way is okay. Of course, there are plenty of people ready to ostracize you. So,  it does take a thick skin.

You're different. If you find that living life just like everyone else is akin to wearing clothes that are five sizes too small, then it's time to find ways to be different. That doesn't necessarily mean that you quit your job today. However, it does mean that you make a plan with actionable goals and begin to take steps to achieving your goals.

You can do it.

Choosing Contentment

How often have you said or heard any of the following:

• If I only made more money, I would be happy.
• If I had a better job, I would be happy.
• If I had a boyfriend / girlfriend, I would be happy.
• If I had a new house, I would be happy.
• You make me happy.
• He makes me happy.
• My car makes me happy.

What is the common factor in all of the statements?  The common factor isn't you.  The common factor isn't me.  The common factor is relying on something other than self to provide a feeling of happiness.

So - what is happiness?  Happiness is commonly defined as experiencing something pleasurable.

Why are so many people unhappy?  They are unhappy because they seek fulfillment outside of self.  They find their pleasure in money, better jobs, significant others, a house, and other inanimate objects.  Is this wrong behavior?  Not necessarily; it is, however, overly relied upon as a source of happiness and pleasure.

Why do we seek happiness from things and others?  Simply put, we do not see ourselves as enough.  As an entire society, we rarely feel like we are accomplished enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or have enough money.  Instead, we transfer our feelings of need on to things we want to acquire or on to other people.  Without those things or people, we feel "unhappy" with our existence.

Often, you will hear people use the words happiness and contentment as if they are the same thing.  They are not the same thing; they are close, though.  Both bring what we would consider peaceful or serene feelings.  So what's the difference?

Contentment requires something that happiness does not.  If you look up the word content, you find that it means to limit desires and actions...and to appear desires.  Contentment requires simply being at ease and peace with what we have or don't have at the moment.  It's similar to being mindful.  It is dealing with exactly what you DO have at the moment and being in that moment.  It isn't thinking, "Well, I have hamburger for dinner...but I'd be happy if I could have steak."  It's being in the moment and realizing you have a meal - and that's something so many people don't have.

If you're Christian, consider the apostle Paul.  He stated in Philipians 4 that he learned to be happy no matter how much (abound) or how little (abase) that he had.

If you're Buddhist, then you can remember that Buddha left his palace and riches and he became enlightened while he had nothing.

Happiness and contentment aren't found in things.  It's found in you.  It's found in me.  When you learn to find contentment...and it does take time to learn...you will find happiness.

How can you learn to be content?

• Be mindful of your current situation.  Literally - think about what is going on right now.  Are you physically safe this very minute?  Are you relatively comfortable?  Do you have the bare necessities?  So what if you had a fight earlier today with your best friend?  What's going on right now?  Stop dwelling on it.  
• Realize that tomorrow NEVER comes.  It really doesn't.  What do we say every single day?  We refer to tomorrow.  It's always tomorrow.  When will tomorrow become your today?  Think about what you have today.  Today is what counts.  We aren't promised tomorrow.
• Stop putting the heavy weight of your happiness on other people or things.  Own your feelings. You are responsible for your own self worth.  Having a baby or a significant other won't make you happy.  In fact, those things often bring problems of their own.  Then, because you entered into that relationship for the wrong reasons, you might become resentful and then blame them for your unhappiness.
• Enjoy the little things in life.  I know it's harder than it sounds.  I've been there.  I have to practice mindfulness every chance I get.
• Count your blessings.  You have so many more things than most of the people in the world.  Have you ever considered that while you are eating dinner someone else in your neighborhood doesn't have groceries?
• Volunteer your time.  You don't need to devote a lot of time.  You don't have to join an organization.  You can work one on one with someone that needs help.  You can help at a food pantry.  You can become trained as a domestic violence advocate.  You can mentor.  It will make you feel good.  You will realize you are valuable without having things or more money.

There isn't a single person who exists on earth that is always happy or always content.  We aren't perfect.  Neither are you.  Don't get too wrapped up if  you have a bad day.  Cut yourself a break.  As you become more content, happiness will come to you.  You will place it where it belongs.  It will become a precious treasure that so many seek and you found.  It is a work in progress.